Disclaimer: While everything that follows are my own opinions, I understand the extreme nature of my statements. I fully acknowledge the nuances that occur in relationships that are often unseen to the public. I am not here to cast judgement but rather express what I have perceived as an outsider. While perception is not the metric we should measure life by, I believe perception and narrative often go hand in hand. I hope this piece provides insight and if not that then perhaps you will appreciate as I stumble around using incorrect terminology.

Nothing I am going to call out here is profound and enlightening. In fact, it’s just a long question mark. I truly do not understand this and it is something that I think about constantly. I wish I could say that the reason for me thinking about it constantly is because my mind just ventures over there and next thing I know I am going down a mind rabbit hole. But no. The reason I am constantly thinking about this is because I am constantly seeing this statement version of the this question in real life. Women settle for less and accept the bare minimum. Now this question is some what general. Purposely so. But for my sanity, let’s just say we are focusing on “in relationships”. Don’t even get me started on the “at work” edition of this question. Let’s just limit ourselves to relationships. Better yet let’s narrow it down even further and focus on romantic relationships. 

So why do women settle for less and accept the bare minimum in romantic relationships? Just meaning not platonic relationships. Whether it be a casual relationship or a serious relationship — why do we keep on seeing this narrative being played out. I dare say it is so played out, we have normalized it. 

It is naive to just say “we accept the love we think we deserve”. This is extremely reductive and not helpful. It almost gives people a free pass to not look deeper, ask more questions, and take an actual stance. 

Is it confidence, self-esteem issue? A self-efficacy reflection? A greater societal thing? A perceived perception idea? An attachment issue? Something about compatibility? 

Maybe all of the above? Maybe all of the above is just under the trauma umbrella. Who is really to say. 

One thing that seem to be true is that there are two groups here: observers and participants.The ones who are just observers seem to accept a “that would never happen to me” mentality and therefore do not think that there is anything that needs addressing. And the ones participating seem to just accept this as their reality meaning they will always have to deal with a half-developed partner, not looking to be viewed as a work in-progress and not looking to grow in any respects. It has just become something that comes with being in this type of relationship. 

Now let me be clear, at the core of this main question is my main gripe: women are compromising and men are not — not trying to assuage that compromise, not considering compromising, and not even acknowledging the fact their partner is compromising. At the end of the day, we we are seeing is that men seem to think they are the sun when in fact they are not.

Like if both sides were meeting each other halfway, it wouldn’t really be considering settling and accepting the bare minimum, it would be a partnership, an actual compromise. Both sides identify their own short-comings and understand the difference of being a “we” instead of just a “me”. They have enough respect for the other party to work on themselves and their relationship. I dare say they might even understand that maybe they were a whole ass person when they were single, but being in a partnership means that maybe you actually have to go back to being a “work in-progress”. There is just a general awareness and mutual respect. 

Rather than just get further lost in convoluted paragraphs of me trying to articulate what I have witnessed and ultimately have an issue with, let’s just go through what I do not  think is an equitable relationship – as I think this gives a better idea of where my question stems from.

I don’t think it’s equitable for women to have to pick and choose which parts of their partner they can “live with” because their partner is not willing to get help and change. 

I don’t think it’s equitable for women to think to they have to fix a behavior, to raise a grown-ass man child just because they do not have they do not have the right self-awareness and respect to do it themselves. 

I don’t think it’s equitable for women to have to tell their partner to do basic chores or to remember to do things that seem like basic life skills. 

I don’t think it’s equitable for women to carry every single part of the relationship and needing to be the one to constantly push the relationship forward – to have the difficult conversations. There is only so much brute force can accomplish. 

I don’t think it’s equitable for women to be so frustrated and misunderstood where they cannot contain it and they breakdown and have to numb themselves so that they can continue on in a relationship purely because they believe it is the only way to have a family. Because they believe that they cannot start over – that it’s too late. 

I don’t think it’s equitable for women to have to choose between peace and happiness. Why are these two things mutually exclusive and why are they?

The hopeless romantic in me says that it should be that hard, there should be alignment and ease. The realist in me knows that conflict and disagreement is normal. I just know what I see and hear and what I see and hear is abnormal. 

But what do I know. It’s not like I can say I have experienced this nor can I say I have any datapoints in this matter. 

A truth about me? I am unrelenting and compromise does not come easy. I do not wish to subject another to my work in-progress self, I have too much respect to them and to myself at this point in my life. I know there may be a time when this changes – maybe the someone changes it for me. But in the meantime, isn’t it okay to work on myself and see where I stand if my relationship status were to never change? 

And I think through all of this stream of conscious musings – as ugly, confusing, and round about as it may have been, I have rudimentarily answered my own question. 

Why do women settle for less and accept the bare minimum? 

Respect. It all comes down to respect or the lack of it.